Flirting, Likes, and Late-Night Texts: Is It Harmless or Cheating?

When you think of cheating, your mind might jump straight to a physical affair — but in couples counselling, I see just how many different behaviours can leave one partner feeling betrayed.

For some, it’s flirting.
For others, it’s “liking” suggestive photos on Instagram.
For many, it’s keeping secrets about interactions with someone else.

So, what actually counts as cheating? Let’s break it down.

Why the Definition Varies So Much

Couples often disagree about what’s considered cheating because:

• Values differ – What one person sees as innocent, another sees as disrespectful.
• Past hurts shape perception – If you’ve been betrayed before, your boundaries might be tighter.
• Culture plays a role – Some cultures are naturally more physically expressive or social.
• Boundaries aren’t always discussed – Many couples never explicitly define what’s okay.

Common Types of Cheating

1. Physical Infidelity

• Kissing, sexual contact, or any physical intimacy with someone outside the relationship.
• For most couples, this is the clearest and least debated form of cheating.

2. Emotional Infidelity

• Building a deep emotional connection with someone else, often kept secret from your partner.
• This can hurt as much — if not more — than physical cheating because it involves emotional intimacy that “belongs” in your relationship.

3. Flirting

• Playful or suggestive comments, prolonged eye contact, or behaviour with a romantic or sexual undertone.
• If it’s hidden, repeated, or has a sexual edge, many partners see it as crossing the line.

4. Social Media & Online Behaviour

• “Liking” or commenting on provocative photos.
• Direct messaging with flirtatious or intimate content.
• Watching explicit content privately and keeping it a secret from your partner.

5. Micro-Cheating

• Small actions that signal romantic interest without full-blown physical or emotional involvement — e.g., checking someone out repeatedly, sharing private jokes with a co-worker, or keeping an old flame in your DMs “just in case.”

Why It Hurts — Even If It’s ‘Small’

Cheating in any form often damages trust because it breaks an unspoken or agreed boundary. The pain isn’t only about the act itself — it’s about:

• Feeling replaced or unimportant.
• The secrecy involved.
• Wondering what else you don’t know.

How to Define Cheating in Your Relationship

The most important step is to have the conversation before it becomes a problem.
Ask each other:

• What behaviours would make you feel betrayed?
• How do you feel about flirting, checking someone out, or social media interactions?
• Where’s the line between being friendly and being romantic?

Make it an open conversation, not a cross-examination. You might be surprised by how differently you see things.

When to Seek Support

If you can’t agree on boundaries, or trust has already been damaged, a neutral third party (like a couples counsellor) can help you explore the root issues. Often, these conversations reveal deeper needs — for attention, affirmation, or connection — that can be met within the relationship.

Bottom line: Cheating isn’t always about the act — it’s about breaking trust. If your partner feels betrayed, it’s worth taking seriously, no matter how small it seems to you.

Need help rebuilding trust?

I offer Christian and intercultural couples counselling in Essendon North & Carlton, plus online sessions across Australia.

‍Book your first session here and let’s create a relationship where both of you feel secure, valued, and respected.