The Mental Load and Marriage: Why You’re Always Exhausted (And What to do About it)

By Jill from Freedom Couple Counselling – Supporting couples across Essendon and Carlton.

Let’s be honest. If you’ve ever found yourself lying awake at 2am remembering that your child has a book parade tomorrow and the costume still lives in your imagination – you’re probably carrying the mental load. And if you’re also the one who remembers to replace the toothpaste, book the swimming lessons, and manage your mother-in-law’s birthday card (with just the right wording so she doesn’t feel snubbed)… you’re definitely in the club. But let’s talk about what this actually means — and why so many couples feel stuck, exhausted, and quietly resentful.

What is the mental load, really?

The mental load is the invisible, never-ending list of things that need to get done to keep a household (and family) running. It’s not just about doing the tasks — it’s about thinking ahead, planning, noticing, remembering, reminding, and following up. Think of it as project managing your life — except you’re unpaid, often unthanked, and can’t resign. “But I help around the house…” That’s what many partners say — and they’re not wrong. Folding the laundry, doing a grocery run, or picking the kids up from school are all important. But here’s the difference:

The mental load is about who is doing the thinking behind the doing.
It’s who notices the socks are missing before school photo day. Who’s calculating the budget in their head during dinner. Who’s worrying about how to have that conversation with your teen. It’s usually not evenly shared — and it quietly chips away at connection.

Why the mental load matters in relationships

When one partner is constantly running the family logistics in their head, it can lead to:

• Irritability (“How do you not see this mess?!”)
• Resentment (“Why am I the one who always has to think of everything?”)
• Emotional disconnection (“We don’t feel like a team anymore…”)
• Burnout (yes, real burnout — not just being ‘a bit tired’)
• And let’s be real — the mental load often falls on women. Especially in intercultural or faith-based households where traditional roles may still play out, even subtly.

 

So what can couples do about it?

Good news: the mental load doesn’t have to be a life sentence. Here’s what can help:

1. Name it without blame
Start by talking about it. Use phrases like:
“I’ve noticed I’m holding a lot of the mental organising in our home — can we talk about how to balance things more?” It’s not about fault. It’s about fairness and teamwork.

2. Shift from help to ownership
Doing the dishes is helpful. Being responsible for dinner twice a week — planning, shopping, cooking — that’s ownership. The goal is shared mental responsibility, not just doing what you’re told.

3. Make the invisible visible
List out the tasks (both physical and mental) each of you do in a week. You might be surprised at the imbalance — and more importantly, so might your partner.

4. Be kind to yourselves
You’re not failing. You’re just human. Modern relationships are complex, especially when you’re juggling work, kids, in-laws, faith, finances, and Netflix recommendations.

From mental overload to mutual support
If you’re nodding along or feeling a little called out — you’re not alone. So many couples I work with in Melbourne and online are navigating this exact dynamic. The mental load isn’t just a “you” problem — it’s a relationship problem. And with the right support, it can absolutely shift.

Sometimes it just takes a few honest conversations. Other times, it helps to have a couples therapist guide the process — especially if cultural or spiritual expectations are at play too.

Let’s Talk About It

I help couples navigate the real, messy, and meaningful parts of love — including how to redistribute the mental load in a way that’s fair, sustainable, and kind.

Based in Carlton and Essendon North | Online sessions available Australia-wide

Ready to feel like a team again? Book a session or reach out for a free 10-minute clarity call.